The Luxan Hair Club For Men
by AerynQ
Summary: The story of D'Argo's personal and follicle growth. This is a bad fic (most mistakes, run-ons, ect are done intentionally), as well as fractured fairy tale parody, with some references to Les Misibles.


The Luxan HAIR CLUB FOR MEN!!!!!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Yup! Uh-huh! Don't own 'em!!!!  
  
Description: The story of D'Argo's emotional and follicle growth. A fractured-badfic fairy tale.  
  
Notes: THIS IS BADFIC. It's meant to be bad! The run-ons are done purposely. The song lyrics aren't mine. Thanks to Erin_Cale who helped me out by writing the fairy godmother's part and sometimes suggested things. Please review this.  
  
  
  
D'Argo was a happy luxen. He loved his mother, his evil step-father, his evil step-siblings and his pet Tika cat, who had magic powers and could talk. He was a great fighter, and an amazing warrior. However, D'Argo was a Luxen with a problem... A very embarrassing problem.  
  
D'Argo was a very Bald Luxen. He had tried everything from hypnotism to fairy magic to eating fried dentics (He had heard that eating them stimulated hair growth.). However, nothing helped!!!!! He didn't know what to do.  
  
One day D'Argo was reading a magazine called "Qualta Man". It was about how to be a truly male Luxen by dominating all that surrounded you and fairly dripping machismo. D'Argo absolutely adored that magazine. Suddenly, out of nowhere, an advertisement appeared before his eyes. It was a talking advertisement, or perhaps his fairy godmother, whom he had squished several cycles before.   
  
His fairy godmother was sebacien-looking with poofy red hair and an attitude problem. Dargo had suggested an anger-management class for her, but that was when she had turned him into a hynerian for three Solar days. That was also right before he had squished her. She hadn't made him mad since, probably because she hadn't shown up because she was soooo busy trying to reinflate herself 'cuz dargo made her extremely flat 'cuz she made him mad.  
  
"If you can guess my name, I will solve all your problems, you *&#*%^*&@!^%*&$^*&$#^*%*^$*&%*$@^," she said, all the while smiling sweetly at d'argo.  
  
"Hmm. Could it be tika cat? Bitchy tralk? Tralk? Bitch? Umm, moron? Height-deficiency R U? Load o' dren?" The fairy godmother floated up on her miniature broom and slapped him hard across his face. For such a little thing, she did have a MEAN slap.  
  
"Fine, fine. I know your name, you little shipperdom-obsessed freak!"  
  
"Then what is it, honey?" she said in her best imitation-hick accent.  
  
"I'll tell you tomorrow. Now get out of my sight."  
  
"GO to hezmona. I'll leave when I want to leave, you brain-deficient, stone-nosed, two-faced, bald Luxen with a feminine figure!" Obviously, the two of them had a loving relationship. D'Argo decided to go for a walk, leaving the fairy godmother alone. When she was sure D'Argo had left, the fairy godmother called softly, "Taerk! Taerk, get in here."  
  
D'Argo's tika cat appeared immediately. The fairy godmother hugged him to her. "Oh, my darling Sebacean Prince. Oh, my love, I have found a way to reverse this spell." She kissed the Tika cat on the nose and immediately the Tika cat was transformed into a handsome Sebacean male... who immediately ran through the house searching for a pair of pants, unwillingly scaring D'Argo's mother, step-father and step-siblings (except for D'Argo's step-sister, who immediately started chasing after the former tika-cat with open arms.)  
  
Meanwhile in the forest, D'Argo was having a wonderful time. He had heard the melodious voice of an Sebacean gurl and just had to follow it. He saw her locked in a high tower, singing her heart out.  
  
"My hands are shaking and my knees are weak! I can't seem to stand on my own two feet! La da da da da, la da da da da da! I'm in love, huh, I'm all shook-up! Uh huh, uh huh, yeah, yeah!"  
  
D'Argo was heartbroken. She was already in love with another. Damn! He went away and soon found another tower with another gurl singing beautifully.  
  
"Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity? I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. It was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced. Are you thinking of me when you @$#^ her?" D'Argo smiled, this one seemed free. However, he heard the cry of a child crying wolf, obviously the woman's son. However, all the cries were ignored and the wolf huffed, puffed, and blew down the tower. She landed on her eema, her long hair landing on top of her like a heavy parachute, almost suffocating her. The boy ran away and the wolf ran up to her.  
  
"Mom! Mom! I didn't mean to blow down the tower. I was aiming for the kid!"  
  
"Why, I never noticed what big eyes you have, son!"  
  
"The better to see you with. And the luxan. I think he's got a crush on you."  
  
At this, D'Argo burst into song.   
  
"Oh god for shame, I do not even no your name! Sweet mademoiselle. Won't you say? Will You tell? I love you!"   
  
"Yes I am lolahn! I love you to!" In the shadows AerynQ wept.  
  
"He was never mine to love. Why regret what cannot be. These are words he'd never say. Not to me. Not to me!" AerynQ sang. Suddenly they seemed to realize that they were singing a bit too much, for the Fairy godmothers liking. They shut up.  
  
Suddenly out of the darkness crept seven extremely short hynerians. They all looked alike. They could even be called drawfs. With them was a fat man with a stomach like jello and a nose like a cherry, and dimples that were merry.  
  
"On Spanky, on fluffy, on sparky, on froggy, on stinky, on farty, on buckwheat."  
  
"We are royal domineers!" They protested.  
  
"Whatever." Stated the fat man. "Ho-ho-ho." The royal dwarfs looked at D'Argo.  
  
"Your Fairy godmother's name is Erin_Cale." The whispered.  
  
**** The next day  
  
  
"I know who you are!" D'Argo bellowed.  
  
"Fine. Uh huh. Yeah, you really know me."  
  
"Erin_Cale."  
  
"Curses, foiled again. Luxen you are cursed with this curse that I place upon your cursed head. Your wife will be killed by her brother, your child made a slave, you a prisoner, until a mentally-deficient human from the other side of the universe comes. Even when you get your son back, he will betray you with your other true love."  
  
"Hold it, hold it, hold it." D'Argo said. "You said that if I guessed your name, you would solve all my problems."  
  
"So I lied."  
  
"But what about my hair?!"  
  
"Ask AerynQ. She likes you. I'm going to go off and gloat about my victory."  
  
Aerynq appeared after the fairy godmother had left. "I don't know how to love you, what to do, how to-"  
  
"Will you shut up with the broadway music?! If you don't, I'll not only send the flying monkeys after you, I'll also press the button!" The fairy godmother yelled.  
  
"No, please, not the button! I'm melting, melting!"  
  
"No you're not," D'Argo said. "Now do something about my hair."  
  
"Okay, fine, follow the yellow brick road and at the end, you'll find your hair."  
  
"You mean I'll grow hair on my head?"  
  
"Actually, no. There's a toupee shop at the end of that road."  
  
"I want real hair."  
  
"Tough, you'll have to glue it on. I'm not as powerful as Erin_Cale, I can't do everything."  
  
D'Argo did as directed, got his hair, even though it was made of tika cat hair, and lived happily with his wife lolaan and eventually their son Jothee until Erin_Cale's curse came true, he ended up a prisoner on a Leviathin, a living ship, and worst of all he met the mentally-deficient little man named John Robert Crichton who didn't have translator microbes because he was from the other sideof the universe because he was shot through a wormhole. And they all lived-except for Zhaan-excitingly ever after.   
  
The End (or is it? Mua ha ha ha.)  



End file.
